Tornado in my head

I live a pretty charmed life. That is what it looks like. I am living the dream. My life long passion has been bicycles. I love them. I have owned bikes from every decade from my 1934 Marshall-Wells Zenith to my 2011 Gary Fisher Simple City. I made my living working on them, selling them and racing them. I have travelled through 20+ countries via bicycle. I currently work in a bike shop. I am married, own a little 50's bungalow, a car (Volvo-duh) and a motorcycle. I have 2 sons. It looks pretty good from the outside looking in. I am affraid that one day I will wake up and realize this was indeed just a dream.
The truth of the matter is that I have been diagosed with rapid-cycle bipolar . I don't know what that means. There certainly is a lot of social stigma associated with BPD. Am I insane? Will I fly off the handle with the right stimuli? Can I control mysef?  Will I kill somebody? Will I kill myself? Can I be trusted?
Today, even though I am current with my meds (Lamictal & Celexa) I am fighting a stornm in my head. I want to run... no matter how fast I run, ride my bike or drive I can not escape my demons. I have been walking around my house aimlessly. I go upstairs, put on the tea kettle. wander out front yard.Go back in through the back door...forgot about the tea kettle -good thing it whistles- Back downstairs with my Irish Breakfast tea. Hiding from the storm like an Iowan hiding from a tornado. While hiding in the basement, "Breakfast at Tiffany's"  will be the movie of the afternoon...The whole while I feel like one of my sisters has me pinned down to the floor and thumping my chest mercilessly. I can't get up...That is just today. Tomorrow will be better. It had better be. If not it will be worse.
The upside to my disorder is that I am a creative, artistic, intellegent, tender-hearted romantic. That is what I want people to see. Not the disorder. When I am manic the world is my oyster. I am unstoppable. When I am down...you don't see me. I hide.
Today, I am hiding.
FixMe.